I don't know if you remember this place. It's my first time since my last post that I'm coming here. Sometimes I wonder if you read what I write here. 

I'm a college senior now. Well I have been since last August when I started my first semester. 

Since then...well even before then I've been hiding a big secret. 

I'm not graduating this May/June. 

Whoever is reading this. You're the only one who knows. Well you, my academic advisor and the counselor I'm seeing. 

Well two of my friends know too but they don't seem to see how big of a deal it is. 

I changed majors Junior year because I knew I didn't want to be a nurse. Actually, I'd known for a while that I didn't want it. I just wasn't honest with myself because everyone expected me to be a nurse. To be just like all our other relatives who studied and became someone in the medical field.

I was glad to change majors. The only thing is I had to remain in the medical field. It sucks. What's the point in changing majors when I'm just going to be stuck in a field where I already know I'm having problems? 

Everyone seems to think all of this is easy. Sure in high school I had really great grades and got a lot of awards but high school and college are different. 

Because I changed majors my graduation date got moved to May/June 2018. I knew that last summer but I couldn't tell my parents or my grandparents.

I really regret not telling them. But I know I wouldn't have been able to do it either way. My parents are depending on me to be the breadwinner right after graduation. Right now they're even talking about me entering the Navy or Military in order to get official papers to properly work here. 

I really hate that. I hate that everyone expects so much of me. 

Because of that I've thought about killing myself. Just disappearing so that all this burden would finally go away. But then I think of my family and how much they depend on me. How funny is it that the thing that makes me want to die is also the thing keeping me alive?How do I go back to when I was younger? When we were at AIS? 

I'm so tired all the time. 

I'm tired of lying. I'm tired of pretending. 

I've been watching more Korean shows and listening to KPOP/JRock more because I feel as if it is the only things making me happy. 

I no longer feel motivated or happy to be in school. Even studying is a struggle cause I know I'll fail either way.

Sometimes it feels as if even my academic advisor has no faith in me. I guess I can understand where he is coming from. 

Lately I've been crying for no reason. Well maybe there is a reason but its all jumbled in my mind. 

There's so much I regret. So much guilt. So much of every emotion all bundled up that sometimes I can't stop myself from crying. 

One time I cried while driving home. At that time I wished I would have gotten in a car accident. Then I could blame myself for being irresponsible instead of my family thinking that they were the reason why I wanted to die.

I regret not telling my grandma the truth. I wish I could go back and call her. I wish I could have told her the truth. Even if she could only hear me and not respond, I wish I had told her. 

Lately I've been apologizing to her a lot for not telling her the truth. For not calling and talking to her one last time. I just never expected her to leave so soon. 

When she got hospitalized I cried so much. Especially when I found out that there was a chance she wouldn't make it. I wanted so bad to go home. I needed to be there. When she passed I couldn't even go to class. I just sat in the chapel and cried. Then I went home and cried more. 

I kept wishing that everything was a dream or that I could take her place. I begged God to make me the sick one. I didn't want to live anymore and she still did. 

I'm really tired of everything. All I want to do is sleep. I go to school, go to work, come home and sleep. I like to drive around to forget but then I come home and just sleep or watch shows. 

I seem like everything is just fine but inside I feel like I'm dying.. all these thoughts I push them back but some nights they come back and all I can do is write them out. I write sad fanfics where the girl never gets the guy or she dies. 

Never a happy ending because sometimes I'm sure those things don't exist anymore. I'm planning on telling my family everything this month. My counselor is helping me find a better way to tell them. I'm thinking of filming a video and posting it online for everyone to see. It seems that everything about me is no longer just in the family but even extended family. I'm tired of then questions on graduating and what I'm doing after I graduate. I want everyone to know the truth.

I think its easier to film because then I can get all my thoughts out. I'll be a mess but at least I can say everything without being stopped by questions from my parents. Whenever we talk about serious stuff like school I can never say everything I want because they always cut me off. 

I want to stop being tired. 

I want to stop wishing I was dead.

I want to live for myself too.

I miss you.

The last time I wrote on here I was only 20 years old well we both were and now it's 2016 and we're both 21. It's weird being 21 since I never thought about what 21 year old me would be like. I Remember talking to you about my paper that I had for my theology class on snapchat and how it was an obituary for myself and how i wrote that it was my birthday when I died. Remember you telling me not to die on my birthday and to be honest when I said that I promised I wouldn't the thought did cross my mind. Don't worry I haven't thought about it since then. I don't know if you'll ever read this since I'm the only one who's posted since the last time you did but I find it nice post here sometimes especially when I'm not at my best. I don't exactly know where this post is going but a part of me just wanted to write here today. Maybe is causes the second semester of college is starting of my junior year I'm scared because technically I'm supposed to be graduating next year and I am afraid it's not going to happen. I'm scared and I wish I could take back everything and I could go back in time when I was a freshman again and make the right choices and speak out because then maybe I wouldn't be here trying hard to be someone for my parents and my siblings because they need me to be someone. If only I'd made the right choices and spoken at the right time maybe I would be a little happier. Its funny how I can write about all this but to be honest I don't know where my future is going, I don't know if I honestly love the career that I've chosen but I have to right? I guess I should cut it short and post again another day and maybe then I have my thoughts together but till then I don't know.

It's been too long...

I'm trying to figure out why we stopped writing here...it might be cause we've both been busy with college but today during my Theology of Death & Dying class (which I'm honestly not paying attention to) I thought I'd check out this blog again. I miss being able to talk to you. 

How are you? How's college?

Lately I've been trying to find the motivation to go on with college. I don't think I ever told you but I changed majors! I'm no longer a Nursing major but a Medical Technology major. After a horrible semester and even horrible summer talking with my parents, I've decided to become a lab tech. I'm kinda happy with my decision I guess? It's still in the Medicine/Hospital field and I'll hopefully have a job right after graduation. 

I've also been like a teenage girl with a crush lately because I've found myself crushing on a Freshman soccer player here at my Uni. He's nice and talented, and I may have added him on FB (BIG MISTAKE). I thought he'd accept my friend request quick like my friend's but so far it's been two days since then and I was I could take back my request. I think he only likes pretty girls which is nothing too different from other guys. I'm trying to work on losing weight for the sake of my health and also cause I'm tired of people saying that I'm too fat and am no longer as pretty as I was when I was younger and skinnier. It's hard cause I don''t really exercise but I'm trying to lower my food intake! 

Oh! I've also gotten a job on campus! I work at our Academic Resource Center at the library as a secretary and so far it's been good. I love the job and I'm pretty happy that I can finally help out my family with expenses. I don't get paid much but just enough that I can kinda pay for some of tuition and my electricity. Okay, I'm gonna cut this short for the time being. I hope you post some time soon!

Miss you Karmii <3

-Bee

New Year, New Me?

Hello to whoever is reading this :) It's been a while since either Karmii or I have posted but I'm back! 

It's been so long. I've been real busy with school especially since it is my senior year and I had to complete college applications and settle into new classes for the new year. 

I've been accepted to a few schools already and I'm thankful to get a scholarship from each one.

These colleges/universities are:

-Mount St. Mary's University

-Caldwell College

-Loyola University Chicago

-Georgian Court University

-St. Peter's University

It's not much but its good enough. Especially since my dream school is on that list. If you knew me well, you would know which school it is. 

Also! I have been obsessing over K-Pop Idol Groups and some independent singers! I used to like K-Pop but after a while the Jonas Brothers and One Direction came into my life and changed it LOL. 

But now I am back.

The groups/singers I've been listening to lately are:

-Infinite

-MBLAQ

-SHINee

-IU

-BoA

Yup. I've also watched two Korean dramas already and I'm currently working on watching more. 

My favourite has to be To The Beautiful You even though I love Shut Up Flower Boy Band :)

I wish To The Beautiful You had a pt. 2 because I love Minho and Sulli together! I also am in love with Lee Hyun Woo. 

I've got to cut this short for today but I will attempt to post again tomorrow. 

I promise :)

soooo....

so I haven't posted in FOREVEERRR!!!! so now I AM BACK!!!!!!!!! to do some promoting and to blog about life right now :)


FIRST CHECK THIS OUT:
https://www.facebook.com/pages/Duct-Tape-wallets-bags-and-other-trinkets/260017257353778

and now i must BLOG!!
I am currently listening to Rose by NLT... It's such a good song, lately it's been raining and I've been feeling down...sometimes i feel useless and stupid.

 I guess it's just hormones or something else...I don't know anymore..

I miss you, i really do... I wish you were here or I was there...FLY TO THE PHILIPPINES FOR MY BIRTHDAY LOL!!!!!!!!!! OUR BIRTHDAY'S ARE ONLY 3 MONTHS AWAY!!!!!! AHHH 17!!! WE SO OLD!!!


Do you think I could get in a really good college? I don't even know, most of my friends are so smart and I'm sort of average....

i must go because i have to do some homework...

LOVE YOU!!!!!

Guilty D:

According to my title, yes I am guilty. For not carrying out my duties in writing in this blog. I'm so sorry! I've been tremendously busy! But, yet, that is still NO excuse. Forgive me? =/

Anyway, it's already mid-year hols and I'm BORED. Gonna go watch Pirates of the Carribean and X-Men: First Class tomorrow. Sighs. Looking forward to Pirates. Not so much on X-Men. I've only agreed to go cos my guy friends wanna go watch. Plus, there's this cute boy going as well. :D

Right now I'm back on YouTube watching this awesome show call The Tribes. You should give it a shot. It's awesome. Reaaaaalllyyy awesome and it sucks not having anyone to share the interest with.


I know I promised you a letter, but things have been REALLY hectic so I haven't exactly had time to write it down on paper.

Siggghss.

I've got this stupid Blazing Aces sport competition coming up on Sunday. Can't wait. It's the final game: Captain Ball. I hope I can beat my sister's team. They're unbeatable. Out of all the five games we've played so far, the only team that's been able to beat them is my team, and that was only in one game! =X

Then I just came back from my school camp. It was awesome, despite getting sick. We went up to the mountain resorts and BRRR was it C-O-L-D! My team was DEEEEAAADDD last but then we came SECOND overall! Yippee! Happy happy joy joy! (:

And now my church's youth camp is coming up and I reeeeeeaaaaaaaallllllllyyyyyyyyyy wanna go but Mom won't let. IDK why. I think it's cos she's just spent 290 dollars on me for my school camp and youth camp is 220 dollars. Some more, it's, like, two weeks after my school camp and I'm already going out a lot.

Poops. I wanna go. D:

Anyway so what's been up on YOUR side? :D